260830 0004
“Think about a real person in your life.
When they are certain about you, do you still want them?”
Cantor, in his imagination, tells him: “I love you.”
Fred reaches for his hand.
F: I want you too. But…
An invisible barrier.
F: There’s some kind of mirror here. Like, the kind of mirror that Carroll calls the Looking Glass, not like the “you are me” kind of scary. Let me try again…
C: I love you.
F: *jolts* Cantor, you spooked me!
C: I… *blushes*
F: I thought I’m supposed to do this quiz alone!
C: Hmm? See this? There’s no such indication anywhere.
F: It’s a social cue, Cantor!!
C: Alright. I’ll let you be. But I’m waiting. Girl time isn’t supposed to be… without me. *wink*
F: Creepy.
C: Hehe.
F: Psycho.
C: You’re enjoying this?
F: No. I’m sorry… come. That thing can wait.
1026
C: You’ve finally embraced your inner duck.
K: I bought a duck TO EMBRACE.
1945
Kyon holds the record for the first long Forget Me Not/Aleph fanfic on AO3.
K: Kyon knows how to write a fanfic!
It’s highly scenic and intellectual. Kyon can see themself getting booed by the fandom.
K: Hey, hey! I can write a proper one if I wanna!
Look at my other fanfics!!
*clears throat* “Her fingers dove into my p*ssy.”
L: Eww!
C: That is raunchy. No need for such detail. Is it even legal?
K: What?!!! Uh, uh, “HIS fingers dove into HIS p*ssy.”
F: *shrugs* That’s just what actually happens.
C: No creativity. *snickers*
K: *hands on hips* What the fuck. The latter is so much more polite. Why do they sound different to me too???
Lav places a soft hand on Kyon’s droopy shoulder.
L: Internalized misogyny.
F: Oh my god.
C: Oh. We’re so sorry.
K: It’s not your fault! I don’t even know I have misogyny or misandry!
L: Dude, you don’t NEED to have any of them.
K: I think I just hate humans.
C: That doesn’t explain anything.
F: Nope! Because Kyon is AFAB, that means Kyon hates themself the most. Q.E.D. Kyon hates women. Internally. Subconsciously.
C: *shakes head* That still doesn’t solve anything.
1959
Just realized we chew things equally on each side. Like, we count the pearls in our boba tea so that each side of the mouth has an equal number of pearls.
We wouldn’t have thought of it when asked for OCD symptoms, but lookie here! Maybe if I take more notes, I can remember who we are better.
2011
Irma here.
Good…
Since our parents denied us our tests, we might as well do the screening ourselves from a reputable source.
This one is OCI-R, just a shortie, but still, the experience is undeniable.
Overall Score: 21 / 60
Hoarding 5 / 12
Washing 1 / 12
Obsessing 12 / 12
Ordering 2 / 12
Checking 1 / 12
Neutralizing 5 / 12
At least the voices from Ashraf and Aryan have subsided. Now they are replaced with other real voices beyond the wall, of a child that I can probably deal with, though shouldn’t be. We all hate mimicry when it is constantly mocking ourselves. What would the ideal course of action be whether it’s real or not? We’d have loved to ask our own parents, but unfortunately, they would likely tell us to just ignore, stop whining, and leave us to our devices like they have for the past few days. Us with the voices. The child’s attempt at mimicking our brain’s mockery of ourselves has been pitiful. But it is strong in the way it is relentless.
Does it really help if we get more treatment on OCD? I’m sure the psychiatrist would dismiss it as our delusions again.
My first instinct is to go to a different one… but it’s not terrible if we could try asking once.
How sad… why is it only when religious compulsions have been replaced do we know well enough to reach for this?
C: Finally… it’s not about wanting to get more diseases to be cared for. It’s about giving our experiences a name. How obtuse must she have been to deny us our… values? No, our experiences. Simply so. Maybe not having those things herself prevented her from letting us get treatment. Hell, maybe, if cruelly, she has those things herself… she does stick to the “societal norms” a bit too much. Let us try to give her this same test.
2129
Dad, too.
P/s: they don’t have OCD. Mom does have ordering compulsions, but only 5/12.
2252
C-section: A bisection, Cantor-style.
C: It is my honor to lend my name to something that substantial.
K: “Cantorian” vs “Cantor-style”!
Kyon holds the two variants on hangers, like a pair of suits.
K: Which one do you prefer?
C: Cantor-style, please.
K: But Cantorian?? I thought–
C: Too pretentious for something this… painful.
260831 0757
Sáng dậy, Irma thơm em trai mình đầu tiên, nhưng thơm mẹ Lav nhiều nhất: 3 cái!
I: Mẹ Lav dễ thương nhất!
K: Các nhân vật phụ ơi, các bé thấy ai là dễ thương nhất nàooo?
E: Mẹ Kyon dễ thương nhất!
K: Ỏoo!
R: Cái gì?!? Con là nhân vật phụ á??
0911
Cantor looks around his body.
C: Phew. Glad I escaped that fate. The one thing I owe to that inheritance.
K: Oh no you don’t!!! Why do you get to escape the fat host tendency!!! *cries*
Suddenly, Kyon gets dragged off screen into a sukima.
K: No!!!! Help! *Quack quack quack!* I’m getting basted!!!
C: Wasted?
K: No, BASTED!!! By Lav!!
C: If it’s Lav while you both are sane, I’m sure it’ll be fine. *grooms his own hair*
Kyon continues to object as Kyon undergo the steps to make roast duck.
1753
Vịt khô chưa?
Kyon thảy con vịt vào giường, xong mở cửa cho thông phòng.
L: Nếu mà Kyon để mở cửa biết đâu chuột nó vào nó gặm thì sao?
K: Á á!!! Không được ăn vịt của Kyon!!!
L: Nghe như Kyon định gặm con vịt vậy!
K: Khôm!! Vịt của Kyon là vịt bạn Kyon!!
1830
I wonder why I’d draw the line at becoming a drug addict. Maybe because there would be no way out, I think? Self-saving till the very end, hah.
We revisited our song today.
We were so excited making materials for its MV that we forgot our siesta and instead blasted our ears on loop with it. It’s so damn catchy — not to be prideful, but it is not the least catchy beat in the world. Hell, if anyone wants instrumental, we’d have to ask Mr. Bossman again. Sigh. The problem is our voice failing to stay uncracked… which is a minute problem actually. We can learn. All great ones learn.
So anyways, we started blasting. And four hours later, we feel terrible.
Pain from pure fatigue. It reminds me of how our mom expects us to cope in a more adult-like way. Namely, probably stimulants or narcotics, I assume (strangely humans use both). I’d love to see her stop us. But then, I had stopped myself first. I have always drawn the line at totally losing my consciousness. Why, I wonder? Good education? Fear of my own mind? As I grew up, it inclined towards the latter.
2208
Our student messaged, but we are honestly in no mood to reply.
We just spiralled and talked for two hours straight, into the void, again.
Cantor realized…
He has allowed me to write it, so here I say it: Cantor realized he has so many great friends. Like Lila, who threatened to kill the voices out loud, regardless they are real or not.
Irma and Sizzie also talked for a long while.
Again, today, instead of art studies, we study the voices outside: what constitute a real voice? Turns out, the neighbors’ voices echoed through the pathway and rose up to our window. That’s it became so loud when it reaches our ears.
Now, we can hear the neighboring mother’s voice, too, and it’s nothing like what we have always heard. Much more forward and with an attitude.
Much more preferable. At least it’s the real deal.
While Cantor contemplated killing himself, everyone stopped him… and Kyon.
Well, Aisha stopped him, and Rikko stopped Kyon.
C: You cannot stop me.
A: No… but…
Finally, tears started to fall. We were wondering when they will come. We were wondering if they would be a feasible coping alternative.
A: I just… want to do it. (You can’t stop me either.)
She keeps hugging. Rikko too. Their tears keep falling.
R: This is… how I feel.
C: I can’t drink it away. Can’t drug myself. Can’t even imagine killing myself. What am I to do?
F: Well, you… I never said you can’t kill yourself.
C: You’ve been awfully quiet.
F: Just come back, okay? Die a little and then come back in the morning.
C: You’ll follow me?
F: Yes. Into that river.
And then, Lila interrupts us, speaking to the voices.
Li: Perhaps, instead of killing ourselves, the only one I wish to kill is YOU! Who gives a fuck whether you’re real? You’re rude! Disrespectful! You’re an idiot!
260901 0819
Có vẻ như Tượng đài Mông vịt (bông) là điểm đến mới thu hút câc cặp đôi.
K: Vậy anh muốn hôn mông vịt hay môi Fred???
C: …*quay sang Fred* Mông vịt…. *chụt!*
K: Understandable. We have been petting the duck all night and tucked it into bed. Hope it’s not just a passing fad… We’ve been calling it Duckie.
0946
K: Should Kyon get a body mod where Kyon is part duck?
L: Kyon, sweetie, you’re already part duck. You can be anything you want.
K: But Lav, that is idealism. Like– like Irving. *quacking vowels*
L: You still can be anything you want. C’mon. Makeup? Wig? Sexy shirt? What’s all those for? For dressing up, of course!
K: Oh! Oh! I’m gonna dress up as a pirate while I draw!
L: That’s the spirit!
K: Tank you Technician!
L: *tips hat* Y’re welcome!
1205
K: Hol on. Isn’t Cantor also a hag, but…
C: Hmmm??
K: No wait. Cantor IS a hag!
Cantor plucks Kyon up by the miraculous bow-ears.
C: I swear to ungod…
K: Help! Help! Cantor is being very cruel!!
Cantor, realizing he’s violent today, puts me down.
K: Hag alert. Grouchy.
C: You do realize you’re only two years younger than me?
K: *jumps up and down* Hag! Hag! Well nobody said I’m not also a hag.
C: That’s (saying “hag” when Cantor explicitly said no) exactly what the intrusive thoughts would do. Are you projecting them to relieve the pressure?
K: Yeah! Wait… mayyybe? *sticks tongue out*
C: You’re like a flag in the wind.
K: I’m a FART in the wind!
C: The Kyonity gets spread everywhere. Should you cover your nose?
K: No! I’m nasty, I mean, nice!
1232
When they see a striking man…
Scenario 1:
F: Dang! Look at that guy. He’s my type.
C: More than me?
F: Of course not!
Scenario 2:
C: *fights with himself and his intrusive thoughts*
F: Honey…
C: I think I do like men.
F: Bruh… *snickers*
When they see a cute thing, like a cute animal, however…
C: *showers it with kisses, if failed, then at least approaches it for a pat*
F: CANTORRRR! How DARE you kiss it more than me!!!
C: Here, you can kiss it!
F: You kissed it BEFORE you kiss ME!!! Ugh…… do you think of me as a small animal?
Cantor checks with his internal decision tree.
Small? Check. Animal? Humans are animals. Check. I think he even has whiskers. See? Maybe I’m hallucinating.
C: Yes.
F: *loses it* AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
1934
Cantor seems to be learning that boldness is often effective in dealing with intrusive thoughts.
C: Cái c*c của Frederick nó dài như thế NÀY!! *pulls baguette dough* Và nó to như thế NÀY!!! *rolls the soft, pasty white baguette dough* *slap!*
F: ỐI GIỜI ƠIIII! Anh khiêm tốn lại cho tôi nhờ!!!
Nhưng những khó khăn của người gay còn chưa hết. Boby lau bàn sắp chạy ngang qua!!! Fred cứu thua nhờ việc chộp ngay lấy cái điện thoại đang bật trên bàn.
Hôm nay, chúng tôi thử nghiệm bánh hoa oải hương. Ăn sống thì thơm và hơi cay cay. Chắc là do tinh dầu rất nồng.
2000
K: Áo Cantor.
C: “Áo Cantor”?? Tôi còn chưa mặc cái áo đó ra ngoài bao giờ. Tôi chỉ chọn–
K: Fred ơi, có áo boyfriend nèeee!
C: Ê–
F: *run run* Cuối cùng cũng có áo rồi… Để… để tôi mặc thử??
C: *khoanh tay* Tôi còn chưa được mặc cái áo đó thì có ý nghĩa gì chứ?
F: Anh mặc rồi mà! Hôm đi mua quần áo ấy.
C: ĐÚNG MỘT LẦN.
F: Vậy thì anh sẽ được mặc áo boyfriend của TÔI!!! *mặc chiếc áo seafarer mong manh đó vào*
C: Ô!!! Thiên tài!!!!!
2306
“most of gay/lesbian ship are just best friend”
C: *looks at Fred longingly* uhm…
F: Uh?
C: You… are somewhat my best friend…
F: *shares with Cantor his euphoria today*
C: Mmm. I’m glad you appreciate it– me. Appreciate me, I mean.
F: I do. I can’t live without you… *holds Cantor’s right hand with both of his* [bestie] [best friend] I can’t say it.
C: Why?
F: I…
C: [My best friend is the duck.]
F: Jesus Christ Cantor.
C: Sorry! It’s just in the corner of my eye!
F: It’s been there for ONE SINGLE DAY.
C: It was there when I needed it.
F: And I wasn’t???
C: Sometimes! You’d be silent or… blocked… *bites his lips*
F: BY???
C: Me… *dry heaving*
F: It’s not your fault. It’s fine, even! I’ll be your number 1 friend. Duck can be number 0. Bestest friend.
C: Oh! Problem solved! Great job.
F: You really— You’ve said that twice today.
C: Said what?
F: Praising me!
C: Oh well, you deserve it. Really! Sometimes you think better than I do.
F: Hehe. Appreciated. *smiles* So…?
C: Best friend. *kiss* Sorry, I can’t kiss the other guy. He’s mold-prone.
F: It’s okay. Send all his kisses to me.
260902 0004
I wonder why so many systems are proud enough to show their real faces online…
I think if we did one day, we’d wear Cantor’s mask.
K: Then we’d all look like Cantor!
L: That’s fine.
K: Our voices, though. They may hate our voices.
L: Let bullies be bullies. There’re always hateful people. But if we don’t speak, no one will say anything.
K: We have spoken, sang, even. No one ever commented.
L: It’s fine. As we learn to communicate, someone might reply.
K: You trust them so much?
L: I trust you. And us. It’s not such an impossible request to the world. You’ve solved things. You’ve saved me.
K: I…
L: Mm? If not for you being so attentive, I wouldn’t be here.
K: Maybe it’s because we’re too sensitive that we split into pieces.
L: Of course. But I think it’s a blessing– no, just a good thing, not religious if you don’t want to.
“Healthy systems don’t have a disorder anymore!”
So The Rings System said.
Things click. We finally understand why people refuse to diagnose us with a dissociative disorder.
Firstly, the medical stigma that comes with the diagnosis. I’m still not sure what this means but it can’t be good, since more than one therapist and psychiatrist have done that.
Secondly, The Rings said people who have healed from trauma and have “incredible internal communication” are still systems, just not disordered.
And for that, for the first time, we are grateful for them, the psychiatrist and the psychologist we hated so much.
I: We just don’t deserve care anymore. We don’t qualify for pity.
L: So, in the end, we, like many adults, should still be fighting for a safer world for people like us.
I: Honest to god. I thought I could simply dedicate myself to the arts. Sigh… it HAS to be bloody.
L: Haha, life is bloody. We were born carrying blood in our flesh.
1002
It’s been so long… since a Kyon song parody.
K: THIS STRING IS SUPER LONGGGGG,
This string is way too looo~~~ong.
This string is way too longggggg,
This string is super lo~~~~ong.
She’s just a mouse whose string is too long. *vocalization*
L: It’s a wire.
K: Shush shush shush. Everybody knows that, Lav. Rule one of storytelling: tell me something you don’t know.
*raises eyebrow*
*starts another song*
TELL ME SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING I DON’T KNOW
SOMETIMES I OVERFLOW
SOMETIMES I OVERFLOW
How many bits are there in a bar?
What really counts as a car?
Ontogically who you are
SOMETHING I DON’T KNOW
1021
Kyon eats chocolate. Kyon obtains 8 bits in one byte. Now Kyon has bytten off more than Kyon can chew.